White Lies Of Life

If there's a chance for me to go back ...
and erase all the painful memories... I will definitely try to run for it ...

but how can it be? since you will never understand the sadness I had to go through to make you happy ...

where's the life you promised me ? The ones you told me that would be ours forever to keep ...

why did you leave ? Because long ago you said to me that you will never abandoned me ...

Is this the reward that you promised me ? Is this the life you wanted for me ? Is this the truth or just your practical jokes for me ? what is this ...

I'm not going to tell you how crushed I am about all this ... I'm not the one who should tell you that this is all wrong ... Because you want it ...
Because you're the one who asked for it ! Tell me something I don't know ! Maybe the love you hide, maybe the life you had before, or maybe a false truth you'd told me all this time we've been together ...

Why the hell you want me here ? If this is the end then why ... for heaven sake ! WHY ?! Is this a cruel joke or something that you made up just to fool around ? I'm telling you ...

I hate you ... I tried to tell myself not to but I guess my instinct was right all the time ...
You were going to kill me ...

Letter For You

As for today, I would like to type some words for you. Today, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. For the faults I've done, for the tears I've shed & for the anger I raised. I was confused & I didn't know. I was looking for an answer, an answer that would put a stop to this madness we're creating. I was lost, I didn't know which way to go & I got lost in all the painful lies. I crashed & I couldn't get up by myself. I was hurt inside & can't seem to find a cure to make it better. I was losing everything yet I managed to tell myself ... " don't worry, just keep going ... it's nothing ... you'll be okay. "

But little do I know, I was wrong. I was an egoistic person. I don't want to lose. So I kept on running, running forward to nothing & leaving all the sadness behind. I was afraid, so afraid that the same thing will happen again & again. And I was right all the time. Somehow knowing that I was right wasn't such a good feeling after all. Because I was right about something that I wanted to avoid all my life, not getting near to it. It's not my my fault, it's not !

I thought I was a new person. I thought I've changed for the better & good. I thought I was strong. But I'm not, I'm not strong enough. I keep telling myself it was okay but it wasn't. Everything went wrong all at one place. Tears started to run down my cheeks. I couldn't help it. I was dying. I was fading ... and so I wrote this letter to you, to tell you how much I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry ...

My Hand

My hand, that's the title for this blog. Every decision that I make lies in my hand. Good decisions, bad decisions, it's all mine & only I who will make the changes about it. It is not impossible that this hand of mine will rule the world one day, It is not impossible that this hand of mine will kill a person one day, and it is not impossible that this hand of mine will make a different in my life one day. However, I knew that whatever decision I made, I have thought about it clearly & I am aware of all the consequences that I might have to face some other time. Although I am scared that I might get into a big trouble because of what I have done.

No matter, it is my decisions, it is my hand. This hand has held so many grudges that it doesn't care to hold many more after this. This hand had been held by some worthy guys that it doesn't care to be hold by so many more. However, this hand will never let go of what it had been held for so long. It will never let go of what we called ' Love ' ...

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, for I have committed the biggest mistake in my life. I'm sorry, for I have lost in this game that we called ' Love '. And I am truly sorry, for I have been hiding the truth from you since the day that you said you love me ...


It never occured to me that all this will happen by accident. I never thought that you will come into my life & make it wonderful for me to live in it. But I'm sorry, for I have done so many things that I never wanted to do & hid it from you ...

So many sorries I wanted to say, so many forgivenes I wanted to beg but so many time I failed to try ...
I don't know what to do, whether to tell you or keep my damn mouth shut ...
Still when I saw you smiling at my way, I knew I didn't have the heart to open up to you ...

I'm sorry my dear, I'm really sorry ...
No matter what happens, this love of ours will always stay strong ...
I promise you, I do love you ...
And nothing will change that even if one day ...
he comes to me and say ...
' iloveyou '

The Sister I Have

The sister that I have. In this blog, I would like to write about this young lady that I thought as a sister. Her name is Sara Hanum. We met each other when we were 9 years old. It was a start of something new for me when I met her. Deep down inside I knew that our sisterhood is gonna last forever, with God's will. From the 3rd grade until now, our friendship is still strong. Stronger than ever I tell you. I never felt so close to her like this before. But I realized that when she was around, I feel some sort of security and comfort. She's just like me but perhaps we have some differences. Well I don't care. When I needed her the most, she will always be there. When I wanna hold her hand, she will let me do it and she never cares what other people might say towards our actions. So do I, never did care. Because she's my friend, she's my sister. She means the world to me. We had our fights but we managed to settled it down. You might say we look like twins but you can tell which is which because as we both grew up, there are a lot of differences that we had. For example, our heights, she's taller than me. My cheeks is much chubbier than hers. but we're both are slim. haha. We were born on almost the same date but she came out first and that was on March 1st while I was born on the next day which is March 2nd. That is the speacialty that brought us together until now. We're different but we love each other. The End.

Love Is Here

In today's blog, I wanna wrote about the special relationship that I had with this one guy. He's cute, he's handsome, he's nice & most of my words couldn't described how wonderful he is. I never thought he would came into my life & make it even more perfect & beautiful for me to live in it. To tell you the truth, I never expected a guy like him will fall in love with me. To me, having a relationship with him is like a fairytale. But he prove me wrong. The fact is he likes me & he loves me. And he showed me that this love here is true & it's the reality that we're both are now facing. We have ups & downs but we got through it. When I needed him the most, he will always be there. His voice will always be the song that I wanna hear playing in my mind & ears. His face will always be the picture that I wanna see in the morning when I woke up. He will always be the everything I need for comfort. And I promise I'll be there for him when he needed me the most too. I'll give the support he need. I'll give him the comfort he needs. I'll give him anything his heart desires. Because that's what we do as a sweet loveable couple. No one can tell us what to do & what's not to do. It's us who makes the decisions in this relationship. And babe,my last words to you will forever be ' ILOVEYOU '. Dedicated to Muhd.Raffiq =)

Walking Shadows

The life as we all knew, is cruel & full of sacrifices made. And as for me, I feel like I'm a shadow in this harsh world. Never known to people & will remain unknown for the rest of my life. I keep trying to show myself to the people but it seems that they can't see me as I am. I'm a shadow. Only a black object on the wall. As the sun sets down,I will return in the dark night of horror. There, I witnesses all the crimes that had been done for years. Shooting, gambling, killing, raping, kidnapping & all that revolves around the world of criminals. I couldn't bare watching it happen again & again. The blood flows down & went into the drain. The blood that belongs to the innocent people who died trying to protect themselves. There's nothing beautiful about that. It's cruel ! It always happens & the authority never seem to try finding a way to stop it. It is sad. Very sad. And as for me, I choose to live my life as a shadow, a living walking shadow who never wanted be known to people. Because I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be the next victim for the next crime. I know I couldn't bare watching my own blood flowing down from the inside of my body. This life just isn't nice & pretty. It's cruel & it's killing the people who lives in it. Nobody will survive. So this is me ... The Walking Shadow.

The Many Faces Of Me

Like the title stated. In this blog, I will tell you what it's like to be me. To be the sweet & the cruel next door girl.Over the past few years in my life as a teen girl,I've done so many things just to get what I want in life. Money.Boys.Love. I've got it all. But at the same time I have to fight for all this ' stuff ' so I won't lose them to someone else. I hate it when the things I love & cherish fall in somebody else's hand.Like I said,to get all this,I had done so many things. Good things & also bad things. People never knew what I did. All they knew is that I'm just trying the hardest to fulfill my desires. And that's what makes it easier for me to do my ' job '. I can be as sweet as an angel but then again I can turn into the evil devil. My innocent face never fails me. People always says that I'm a goody to shoes. Well I'm not. I have taken so may risks in my life just to get all the things I want. Lie,cheat,anything & all you have to do is name it. But it was worth it. Still the guilt that I feel will never fade away. It's like blood. The blood keeps on flowing on and on. It never stops & because of that I always cry to make me feel better. With tears pouring down my cheeks,it feels like the tears are cleaning the blood. And for that I can feel good again. The blood maybe had been washed day by day but the smell & the stain of the guilt is still there haunting me. This is the many faces of me. As sweet & innocent I look, you can still be fooled by me. I'm here to say this because I know that you deserved to know the awful truth. It hurts. It always does. Trust me on that because someday you might do the same thing. But don't worry. This is something that will satiesfy you. This is what I called ' Guilty Pleassure ". Believe me. Just do what you want & get the things you need. Last words from me. Enjoy this guilt while you still can.

Deserted Love Of A Lady

The time comes when the sweet prince made up a stupid decision to leave his precious princess.Why must that day come ? Why must his lips spoke those unwanted words ? Why should his arms let go of that weak soul ? Will that princess survive without his love ? The princess couldn't lift her face to look at his prince.Over the years she gave her love to him,she never thought that the prince will leave her until that day.She asked him, " What did I do to deserve this my dear ? What was it that made you want to leave me here all alone ? Don't you love me ? ". The prince then turn over & look at the sad princess.He spoke, " You did nothing wrong.But I just can't feel the love anymore.I don't love you no more.So I guess I just have to leave & go find another princess to made love with.".With those reasons,the prince then go & left the princess.

Rainy Days Please Go Away

Rainy days.Always rain,rain,rain & again,Rain !.Never will it stop until that sun comes out from that gloomy sky.Ouh dear sun,why did you hide and let the rain come down to the earth ? What ? The cloud ask you to ? What did the cloud said to you ? Ouh ! The rain wants to come out from its tummy !Ouh now I see.Hmm.Dear cloud,why must you let the rain pour itself down here ?Ouh what's that? The rain want to?Ouh I see.Rain,rain,rain.You're just water.Yet when you come down here & brought your friends along which is Tunder & Lightning,you scared so many human who lives on earth.But no matter,eventhough you scared the humans yet you bring joy to some who were expecting your presence.Thank you god.Because You let the rain come down to this earth and water the plants.Thank you Allah.